Does this sound like someone you know? Perhaps it is your wife. Remarkably, you, her husband, make a greater difference in her life than anyone does. By learning about a few basic needs unique to a woman's nature, you can help her develop into the wonderful creature God designed her to be, the one you married so long ago.  

A woman releases her pent up emotions through talking about her feelings. This is how she finds solutions. Generally, she will not open up until she feels she cannot endure any more pressure. It is important that she have someone she can trust, someone who will really listen when she is ready to share her feelings.

She needs a husband who will allow her to expose her heart safely, and reveal her inward self. If you will not listen to her without criticism, judgment, or rejection, she will withdraw and find someone else to share this part of her life. Consequently, your marriage will suffer the loss of intimacy and trust. Although a husband with a compassionate ear is rare, you can learn the art of listening.

Why do women do this? Who really knows? Why do men not understand women? The best answer is that God wired us both differently. It is human nature to believe that everyone sees the world as we do. Men are especially guilty of thinking that women should think and behave a certain way just because that is how they themselves would do it. It is like bananas and strawberries. Both are fruit, but each has its own shape, flavor, and texture. By themselves, they taste good. However, mix them together and you have a wonderful fruit salad, yet each part keeps its own unique characteristics.

Marriage is like that fruit salad. A man and a woman, each with unique shapes, textures, and flavors, are good by themselves. Nevertheless, mix them together and you have a completely new creation. Yet, each one is still an individual.

Normally, when a man hears his wife cry, he embraces her and wants to help solve her problems. Once she gets a few intelligible words out through her sniffles, he holds his head back, sometimes he is even dumb enough to laugh, and he not too wisely says, "Oh, is that all? That's simple. This is what you need to do."

He is dumbfounded when she stops talking, looks at him and clearly says, "Never mind! I'll figure it out myself," and walks away with her hands up in the air. Now she is angry and frustrated as well as depressed.

He has no idea why she did not throw her arms around him, plant a big kiss on him, and thank him for all his wisdom. Men are ready to offer women a solution after hearing a few facts. Never mind that they heard on a fraction of the details. They do not need to hear it all. They have the answers and they want women to accept and act on them. Usually their answers are correct, if not appreciated.

The resulting argument puts pressure on an already strained relationship. What men fail to understand is that women do not want the answers given to them. That defeats the purpose. Men get aggravated when women reject their quick fixes.

God designed your wife to hold her emotions in, releasing them as she speaks. Through talking, she verbalizes her feelings. Her emotions begin to unwind, her mind starts to loosen, and confusion dissipates, allowing her to recognize the solution staring her in the face. You probably offered the same solution. Nevertheless, because of her tangled emotions she just was not ready to hear it.

 So many marriage problems could be resolved if we all understood one simple fact. God made each gender different. Our desires are different, our thinking processes are different, and our needs are different. Each gender has specific needs. Understanding them can help us make great strides in relating to one another. 

There are four things that every woman needs for security and a sense of completeness in marriage. When understood you can make a big difference in your marriage, revolutionize your home, changing the atmosphere from disappointment, confusion, and indifference to one of harmony and oneness of spirit and purpose.

The first thing your wife needs from you is the steady guidance of a spiritual leader. As a strong spiritual leader, you can fill many of her needs. Spiritual leadership reveals a man's spiritual condition and shows the direction he is going.

A wife aches for leadership when her husband fails to be the spiritual leader. God did not design her to take on the pressure of spiritual leadership of the family. If you fail here, you expose her to pressure not meant for her. She feels that her life is out of control. The resulting fear and helplessness forces her to make decisions she should not have to make. Then she has to accept the consequences and sometimes the blame from you if she makes the wrong choice.

As her spiritual leader, she needs to see that you have a real desire to know God. She sees this when you read his word, pray, pay tithes, and faithfully attend church. She needs to see that you have strong convictions based on Scripture and that you consistently follow your convictions.

You must reassure your wife that she is meeting needs in your life that no other woman can meet. This is the second important need universal to all women. She needs to feel special. God made her to be your "helpmate." The needs that she is meeting in your life must be important to you. The more impor­tant they are, the more you should compliment and appreciate her.

A man has the tendency to hide his real needs from his wife, wanting her to admire him and see him as a success. Before you have her honor, however, she must see your humility. You will receive and hold her love more quickly by sharing your failures with her than you will by sharing only your successes. You must not only explain your needs, but you should help her understand exactly what she can do to help meet them.

There are many needs in your life that only your wife can meet. She can help you guard against other women with wrong motives. We live in a world permeated with sensuality and lust. She can give you the joy of a physical relationship without guilt.

Her need for security and steadfastness will make you want to make sound decisions instead of hasty ones. It grieves a man when his wife suffers because of his poor decisions. When he understands that his choices affects his whole family, he takes more time and weighs the consequences before acting rashly.

Your wife instills godly character in your children and discerns their real needs. She is probably with them more than you are, and as a mother, she will often have insight in their lives that you may not. She serves as a buffer during conflict and is usually a peacemaker.

She will become discouraged if she feels that you are more concerned with the needs of employers, employees, col­leagues, friends, and church members, than you are with her needs and her world. She wants to be an important part of your world. If she is not, her world begins to disappoint and close in on her.

Third, she needs to know that you cherish her and enjoy setting aside time for intimate conversation. There is a difference between loving her and cherishing her. Most men love their wives whether they show it or not. Few men actually cherish them. To cherish her means that you value her as a person, that you protect her and you compliment her to others.

Your wife must know that she is an important part of your world and that you love her beyond what she does for you. Show her that you love her for her sake and that you long to be with her. She wants to know that the qualities in her that you fell in love with are still important to you. You need to repeat expressions of your love to her often. 

While men get much of their self-worth and approval from their profession, women get most of their value affirma­tion from their husbands. Even women with successful careers receive most of their personal affirmation at home.

You can exhibit your value of her in small ways. Showing her, the simple, common courtesy that you show the women in the office or the boss's wife will go a long way to show her that you cherish her. Take the few extra seconds necessary to open the car door for her. Open the door for her in public, pull out her chair and wait until she sits down before you do in a restaurant. Help her on and off with her coat, and lift heavy objects for her. You do not have to do all of this at home, but when you do it in public; you send a message to the world that she is important to you. This message does not escape your wife's notice. She will glow for weeks.

While leaving a restaurant several years ago, my husband, Michael, opened the car door for me, and our seventeen-year old son, Michael Jr., opened the rear car door for our fourteen-year old daughter, Kathryn. The woman in the booth seated next to where we had been sitting saw this through the window, reached over, and hit her husband. Kathryn and I laughed, but I was smart enough to realize how blessed I was to have a husband who enjoys "showing me off in public."

Your wife needs intimate conversation. This is possible only when you share oneness of spirit. She needs to talk and communicate her experiences so she can express her confused feelings. She needs to know that you are listening and not anxious to get away and do something else.

One way to assure intimate conversation is to have a regular time planned for it. Ultimately, the most intimate level of conversation occurs when your wife can trust you with the secrets of her deepest emotions.

Many wives have deep fears and feelings that they never share with their husbands. There are several reasons for this. Sometimes they feel guilty for their feelings and simply hope that these feelings will pass. They may fear condemnation and rejection from their husbands. Many times, they just want to reduce their husbands' burdens or they just know that they don't know the answer anyway.

You can help your wife overcome these fears by allowing her the respect and value of listening to her and encouraging her to talk. Whatever she has to say, it is important to her. Be careful not to belittle her or make what she has to say appear insignificant. If you do, she will find someone else to talk to, and your relationship will suffer.

Mike and Tina are so busy during the day that they sit up talking late many nights. This is usually the only time they have alone. As a woman, Tina often has emotions bottled up. Through the years, her wise husband has been a sounding board. Many times, he never says anything. He will often just say, "Urn-hum, yeah. Right." He draws her out with well-worded questions that helps her work through harbored doubts and fears.

As a woman talks, she finds solutions on our own. If things stay inside it just confuses and confounds her until she is an emotional wreck. She has to get them on the outside so she can 'see' them.

Your wife's fourth need is to know that you understand her by protecting her in areas where she may be weak. She needs understanding, especially from you. She wants boundaries that show your concern for her. If you fail her here, she will feel neglected. She wants you to be aware of her spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical strengths and weaknesses. She also wants you to have the wisdom and courage to provide loving but firm direction, so she will not fail by going beyond her limits.

She may occasionally ask you for something she really does not want, just to test you. She wants to know if you are perceptive to her real needs and the dangers she faces. If you give her whatever she wants, she will feel insecure. You should know your wife so well that you understand when to be firm and when to be lenient. She appreciates and respects loving firmness when you both know that it is right.

The main function of the head is to develop, train, and protect the rest of our body so the whole being can achieve God's purpose. In this sense you are to be the head of your wife (Ephesians 5:23). It is your responsibility, as your family's spiritual leader to set the example in your home. When your children see you treating your wife with this kind of love, they will respect her and admire you for being a man of strength and character.

As you learn to meet your mate's important needs, she will respond with acts of love and a respect for you that until now you have only imagined. Helmut Thielicke once wrote:

"I knew a very old married couple who radiated a tremendous happiness. The wife especially, had such a gratitude for life that it touched me to the quick. Involuntarily, I asked myself what could possibly be the source of this kindly person's radiance. In every other respect, they were common people, and their room indicated only the most modest comfort. But suddenly, I knew where it all came from, for I saw those two speaking to each other, and their eyes hanging upon each other. All at once, it became clear to me that this woman was dearly loved.

          It was not because she was a cheerful and pleasant person that her husband had loved her all those years. It was the other way around. Because he loved her, she became the person I saw before me."

     When I first met Brother Schuetz, I couldn't believe my good fortune. In fact, I had such a hard time accepting it that for the first two years after we met I kept saying that I knew it wouldn't last. It was too good to be true. Who was I to deserve a man like him? We had one thing going for us from the beginning, however, that we never even realized until years later. In the more than 26 years, since we met I have discovered it was not 'good fortune', but a marvelous God who loved me more than I could ever imagine. Throughout our lives, even before we knew God, he knew us and had a plan for our lives.

I didn't know God when I was growing up. We only went to Sunday school a few times. I went to a lot of  vacation Bible schools during the summers. (That's where you got the best snow cones.) Apart from that, I never really knew much about a loving God who cared so much about me. I had just turned 23 years old when Brother Schuetz and I accepted Christ as our Savior.

I struggled for 6 ½ years after this trying to please God while at the same time trying to overcome addictions to prescription drug, alcohol, and cigarettes. No matter how good I was or what I did it always seemed inadequate. God was never impressed for very long. It was as if he were always just outside my reach, nitpicking everything I did. I felt like I couldn't win. At this point, I got frustrated and stopped going to church for four months. When I was desperate enough, God introduced me to a new facet of his personality, the baptism of the Holy Ghost.

During this time, Brother Schuetz continued praying. I would walk into our bedroom and he would have his Bible open, reading. I couldn't understand why he could still love me so. I often took our last few dollars and spent it on drugs or cigarettes, even though I knew it would be days or even weeks before we had any more money. He never condemned or scolded me. He just continued treating me with the same love he had shown me for years.

When I got into a Full Gospel church, I started hearing about God's unconditional love, and his desire to have a personal relationship, even an intimate relationship with me. This all seems so foreign. I had never had heard of this kind of God. I tried to understand this concept for a while, even as I was struggling to get free of some of my old habits.

How could I understand a love that you can't earn or one in which you are not required to behave a certain way? There was one way. Brother Schuetz. You see, God said that I was the Bride of Christ. I could see that. I also knew that I was the bride of Bro. Schuetz. I could see that. Well, if I could receive love as the bride of Bro. Schuetz, even when I didn't deserve it, maybe I could receive God's love as the Bride of Christ. So I understood and accepted the unconditional love of God by comparing it to the unconditional love of Bro. Schuetz.

After this revelation, God started teaching me how he wanted to be my Father. It took him years to teach me how to think of him this way. Again, he used Brother Schuetz as an important instrument in my schooling. As I watched him relate to our daughter, Kathryn, I saw how I could relate to God as my 'Daddy.' I learned to crawl up in God's lap; lay my head on his shoulder just like any daddy. When I go to him in prayer it's no different from our children going to their daddy and asking to have their needs met.

Through the years, God has used my family to teach me many facets of his character and personality. As a mother, I have learned patience, another facet of God's nature. The love I have for my children teaches me how God loves me as his child. God places us in families for this reason. As we develop our relationships with each other, we learn more about God's love for us.

   Twenty-five years of marriage to such a man! I can honestly say that he is the godliest man I know. WOW! What a life! I know, without a doubt, that I didn't deserve it. Thank God I didn't get what I deserved. I got God's love and the love of a good man instead.